Lately I've been feeling empty without really knowing why, and I guess I've been distracting myself by thinking If I only had this, I'd feel better... I'm fairly anti-consumerist, but fall is always the worst and I find myself longing for seasonal clothes, food, film, travel. Isn't that silly, when I have a closet full of clothes and I live in this exciting city where God wants me? I shouldn't be materialistic, I know, especially when I have no means...but I wish I had something that I felt represented me! I have no favorite outfit, no fallback when I want to feel good. It's quite sad. My dearest green jacket died last spring, too, so that front is bleaker than ever. And I'd like to paint, sew, all that, but it takes money too. I ought to draw more. I settle myself with what I have: the library, wonderful library that I love so much! And fanciful food is an entire other longing, second to fashion but similar in style: simple, elegant. I want tea, tea, fresh fruits and pretty vegetable medleys. Hearty soups and homemade breads. Instead I've got...umm, mac and cheese, if I'm lucky. I shouldn't complain, never never never. And WANTing defeats so much in all the themes I care to claim! Oh well, oh well.
I slept thru staff meeting this morning, but Chris called Luke, who woke me up, and I rubbed on concealer and ran over, half an hour late. Now I feel better, though. The teaching was on encouragement, and everybody kept nodding and sighing and saying how HARD the Christian life always is, how DIScouraging, especially for those of us in leadership and "on the front lines." I've heard it all before, but it DID encourage me - the bad or nothing I feel is spiritual, and it will pass. Like Rilke said to Mr Kappus, right? So do not be afraid, dear....
